Hello, my beauties! If you only read my blog, you probably think I disappeared, or even ran away. Don't worry, I've been around! Social media has a way of letting me get in yo face. Or maybe, you haven't worried at all and you've been so busy living your spectacular lives as any wild human being should! Either way, I'm gonna explain myself.
I've been making jellies, body scrubs, and deodorants. I've been traveling, started working in a new enormous city, and dealing with every commuter issue you could think of. It's been time consuming, frustrating, beautifully new, surreal, and of course scary. It kind of looks more like a negative than positive, but trust me, the positives are way big too ignore.
I was actually up the other night, not able to sleep, thinking about... shit, and what the hell I was going to write. And even though I had an idea, I had no clue how I was going to do it. Meaning I couldn't put into words.
I wanted to talk about my trip. The first time I traveled out of country and visited where my father, who I believe makes America great, came from. I also wanted to talk about my experience working in a totally new environment. Everything from the position, place, and people has been SO DIFFERENT.
Then it occurred to me, I didn't want to talk about my experiences. Honestly, I tried writing for a few days and couldn't find the words to put it together. I couldn't even find the words for it to actually mean something. So instead, I decided to talk about my feelings. Because, I realized that's where my experiences were connected. Are you with me? Did I lose you? Look at pictures or read on. It ain't no thang.
I've been feeling two great forces as of late.
There is the one that makes me feel it's my time to go again. It's time to pack up leave into a new world (maybe just state) and experience something there. Because, I want to feel alive every fucking minute of the day. Because, I felt stuck.
When I was in Peru, it actually made me miss some of my past. My past of living in a place where, goddamn it, it was warm, there was a culture, latin food, and cafe con leché on every corner. It made me miss traveling to mother land #2. Humble countries and islands, fruits falling from the trees, and nature's beauty made for everyone to enjoy. I think that's where I left a piece of my heart at.
Then there is this other part. The part that reminds me why I stay. For the first time in a while, I'm working on and progressing, SLOWLY, towards a vision. A vision to do what I love, sharing what I create, and making some kind of mark within my communities. It's hard. Even when those times come and I really think I am about to give it all up, I remember yet, something else. I have every kind of support I could ask for and a family I don't think I'm ready to leave again. I actually find this even scarier. The feeling of familiarity, being committed to one place. Have I reached the other reason people "settle down."
I actually love where I spend most my days... for a change. The most intense area of the melting pot. Where everyone is different. I walk next to richest people and some of the poorest every day. We all look so different, dress different, and most of the time I never understand the words they speak. It's amazing. I'm learning the deepest of patience and finding the absolute littlest things miraculously beautiful. Even though I walk alone, ride alone, and work alone, in a place where everyone stands out individually, I can't help but feel of sense of belonging. I feel as if I belong in this crazy noisy city made of the hustlers, dreamers, and radicals. That's where I'm at.
For the first time, I feel my vision coming alive. What it fully is, I'm not %100 sure, and sometimes I'm so damn scared and annoyed. I have my what-if moments, breakdowns, and feeling of defeat. Then I remind myself why, my passion creates those feelings of empowerment and true love. I turn to those who believe and make worth while every little thing I have accomplished. My family that has learned to except each of our rebel, introverted, and traditional ways. For the first time, I started to feel confident in my version of stability. I made it my own.
I can't help my feelings of loving the road that takes me any where and every where. The freedom being a woman who let's herself feel free any way she can, who dreams the unthinkable, and has learned to manifest love with her heart and hands.
With every person I pass by, I only hope they are thinking of something just as spectacular. Feeling unstoppable. Becoming curious of the uncertain. Pushing those limits and rules that were set upon them. In every humbling place, I see your beauty, I feel your potential to be home. Thank you for teaching me in your own way patience, openness, and appreciation for both what I both experience and what I already have.